Tag Archives: Suck it Picard

To Go Boldly…

Well, after the long hiatus (Graduate School tends to do that to people’s blogs, I guess (and by ‘that’ I mean hold them up and leave them stabbed and destitute in an alley way to die)) it is pertinent that I post about something pretty damn epic. And someone that is pretty damn lady bonerific.


Who else but Captain Kirk can hold the title of both an Epic human being and extraordinary wooer? He can make a woman (humanoid, biped, triped, alien or otherwise) swoon with the greatest LB ever recorded. Well, that’s not entirely true. He has the unfortunate reputation for being the universe’s biggest man-slut even though his tryst count was in the single digits per season. People just saw him hitting on green women and the shit hit the fan. Just because Kirk has a lot of charm and natural charisma does not mean that he’s loose or easy. Whenever Shatner-Kirk was presented with a choice between some sweet lovin’ or The Enterprise, he ALWAYS chose the Enterprise. The most loyal SOB to ever be a space cowboy.

Also? Shut up, Picard fans. Shut. Up. Patrick Stewart might be awesome, but he has nothing on Kirk. I’m going to outright say that I absolutely adore, love, fangirl, pop lady boners for Captain Kirk – both the William Shatner  and Chris Pine version. Better known as the Shat and C Fine. Both have their individual characteristics which beg for me to explore them as independent entities.

So, I will. We’ll start with the first Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Look at how awesome I am!

Hey, how are you doing? Mhmm, that's good. I listen to people's problems because I ~care~.

William Shatner in his day was a very handsome man (hell, I’d still do him, but that’s beside the point here) with a very Brando-esque look about him. When he was cast as Captain Kirk, he no idea that he would be a science fiction icon for the indeterminable future. Sure, he thought that he would be the most successful actor on the show, and the fan favorite because his ego was is enormous. That’s not entirely true and he admitted in one of his autobiographies (yes, he has more than one) that he was more than embittered by Leonard Nimoy’s Spock being the most popular character back in the day. At least the man admits his own faults, sometimes.

But what made/makes Shatner’s Captain Kirk so damn fun and awesome was his hands on approach to his Captaincy. He was a fighter, a brawler of sorts, and he wasn’t afraid to do what he had to to get the job done. And did he ever get jobs done. (Did Picard ever hold his own in a physical fight? NO.) Not only is he physically adept, he’s mentally well equipped too. Kirk’s been touted as the only person to ever defeat the Kobiyashi Maru test – by means of thinking out of the box, AKA cheating, but it showed his clout and his cunning as no one else had dared to reprogram the test to defeat it. (More to come on the Maru during C Fine discussion).

So, Shatnerian Kirk was both physically and mentally awesome, as well as a damn good friend. Ask Spock, the man was and always will be his friend, and it takes a lot to befriend a Vulcan. And Doctor McCoy. Simultaneously – whoa, sorry, my fantasies must have taken over for a minute there.

Trio of Awesome

Look at these BAMFs - who wouldn't want to be their friend?

ANYWAY.

Kirk has been described as “a hard-driving leader who pushes himself and his crew beyond human limits” in Robert Jewett and John Shelton Lawrence’s The Myth of the American Superhero. (Yes, I wiki’d this shit, so what?) Kirk’s tendency to ignore regulations and go beyond the call of duty to do the right thing, even to the point of demotion, is just phenomenal. And awesome.

Speaking of awesome… Chris Pine’s reboot Kirk is also pretty damn spectacular.


Behold, Captain Fine Kirk, the alternate time line Kirk who has similar qualities to the original, but a bit less… dare I say cheese to him? Nah, he’s plenty cheesy “Hello, ladies” tends to earn him cheese points. BUT. He’s just as intelligent and cunning as his original counter part, and is even shown to be quite the smart little thing – Iowa’s only repeat offender with a genius level IQ. The movie is a more intimate over view of Kirk, as we not only see him being born, but as a reckless child, a bar room brawler, a reckless Cadet, and eventually Captain. We get his beginning in Star Trek XI (the first odd numbered Trek movie that didn’t suck and wasn’t Nemesis), and are left waiting for and wanting more. Because of that, the audience is more emotionally invested in Kirk, I think. At least, I was.

The most fascinating thing about Pine’s version of Kirk was that he did not imitate Shatner at all – thank darling baby Jesus, there’s a time and a place for Shatnerian mockery, and this wasn’t it – and he was still able to hold onto the most important aspect of Kirk as a character. He decimated the Kobiyashi Maru with his superior level of cunning which we got to see. Though, only those who watched the special features on the blu-ray disc got to actually see that the thwarted sex scene with the Orion girl Gaila was a part of Kirk’s plan to use Gaila to insert his subroutine into the program accidentally (which is why she looks so pissed off in the academic trial scene). He uses his charm and his intelligence to get his way, to prove that there really is no such thing as a no-win scenario.

Kirk is still the charming, cunning individual that he was forty-something years prior without being hokey (I’m looking at you, Gorn). Pine had his moments of wtf-ery with the bloated hands and swollen tongue gag, but he kept Kirk centered and definitely someone not at peace with himself. There was a definite vulnerability to Pine’s Kirk that was more exacerbated than Shatner’s. (Watch the movie again and look at Kirk during the scenes where he’s not speaking or the focus – especially when Spock and the High Council are beamed back aboard the Enterprise and Amanda is missing).

But enough of that emotional bull shit. Kirk is a space cowboy, even in the newest movie and he’s definitely guilty of inciting many a lady boner. I mean, come on. Chris Pine is definitely good looking, no one can deny that.

Wait a minute, you're not a Vulcan...

Me and my friends attempted to play a Star Trek drinking game one cold Utican night – it didn’t work very well because the rules were just all over the place. But one rule I remember is to take a drink whenever Kirk got punched in the face or he had to climb up out of/on to something. (Also any time someone said the word ‘Vulcan’.) Suffice to say, Trek XI also had a lot of Kirk’s physical side and we gave up after forty minutes or so and just drank for the sake of forgetting our failures. Kirk got hit and choked a lot in this movie, the poor guy. But he was still a badass none the less.

I’m running out of clever things to say here, and instead of objectifying Chris Pine (and sparing you the list of dirty, dirty things I would like to do to and with him) I will leave you with another random picture. Also? I lied to you all, they’re the same damned character, just acted differently. Captain Out.

Airbrushing is NOT OK. But this is still a cute picture.