Tag Archives: nerd

To Go Boldly…

Well, after the long hiatus (Graduate School tends to do that to people’s blogs, I guess (and by ‘that’ I mean hold them up and leave them stabbed and destitute in an alley way to die)) it is pertinent that I post about something pretty damn epic. And someone that is pretty damn lady bonerific.

Who else but Captain Kirk can hold the title of both an Epic human being and extraordinary wooer? He can make a woman (humanoid, biped, triped, alien or otherwise) swoon with the greatest LB ever recorded. Well, that’s not entirely true. He has the unfortunate reputation for being the universe’s biggest man-slut even though his tryst count was in the single digits per season. People just saw him hitting on green women and the shit hit the fan. Just because Kirk has a lot of charm and natural charisma does not mean that he’s loose or easy. Whenever Shatner-Kirk was presented with a choice between some sweet lovin’ or The Enterprise, he ALWAYS chose the Enterprise. The most loyal SOB to ever be a space cowboy.

Also? Shut up, Picard fans. Shut. Up. Patrick Stewart might be awesome, but he has nothing on Kirk. I’m going to outright say that I absolutely adore, love, fangirl, pop lady boners for Captain Kirk – both the William Shatner  and Chris Pine version. Better known as the Shat and C Fine. Both have their individual characteristics which beg for me to explore them as independent entities.

So, I will. We’ll start with the first Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Look at how awesome I am!

Hey, how are you doing? Mhmm, that's good. I listen to people's problems because I ~care~.

William Shatner in his day was a very handsome man (hell, I’d still do him, but that’s beside the point here) with a very Brando-esque look about him. When he was cast as Captain Kirk, he no idea that he would be a science fiction icon for the indeterminable future. Sure, he thought that he would be the most successful actor on the show, and the fan favorite because his ego was is enormous. That’s not entirely true and he admitted in one of his autobiographies (yes, he has more than one) that he was more than embittered by Leonard Nimoy’s Spock being the most popular character back in the day. At least the man admits his own faults, sometimes.

But what made/makes Shatner’s Captain Kirk so damn fun and awesome was his hands on approach to his Captaincy. He was a fighter, a brawler of sorts, and he wasn’t afraid to do what he had to to get the job done. And did he ever get jobs done. (Did Picard ever hold his own in a physical fight? NO.) Not only is he physically adept, he’s mentally well equipped too. Kirk’s been touted as the only person to ever defeat the Kobiyashi Maru test – by means of thinking out of the box, AKA cheating, but it showed his clout and his cunning as no one else had dared to reprogram the test to defeat it. (More to come on the Maru during C Fine discussion).

So, Shatnerian Kirk was both physically and mentally awesome, as well as a damn good friend. Ask Spock, the man was and always will be his friend, and it takes a lot to befriend a Vulcan. And Doctor McCoy. Simultaneously – whoa, sorry, my fantasies must have taken over for a minute there.

Trio of Awesome

Look at these BAMFs - who wouldn't want to be their friend?


Kirk has been described as “a hard-driving leader who pushes himself and his crew beyond human limits” in Robert Jewett and John Shelton Lawrence’s The Myth of the American Superhero. (Yes, I wiki’d this shit, so what?) Kirk’s tendency to ignore regulations and go beyond the call of duty to do the right thing, even to the point of demotion, is just phenomenal. And awesome.

Speaking of awesome… Chris Pine’s reboot Kirk is also pretty damn spectacular.

Behold, Captain Fine Kirk, the alternate time line Kirk who has similar qualities to the original, but a bit less… dare I say cheese to him? Nah, he’s plenty cheesy “Hello, ladies” tends to earn him cheese points. BUT. He’s just as intelligent and cunning as his original counter part, and is even shown to be quite the smart little thing – Iowa’s only repeat offender with a genius level IQ. The movie is a more intimate over view of Kirk, as we not only see him being born, but as a reckless child, a bar room brawler, a reckless Cadet, and eventually Captain. We get his beginning in Star Trek XI (the first odd numbered Trek movie that didn’t suck and wasn’t Nemesis), and are left waiting for and wanting more. Because of that, the audience is more emotionally invested in Kirk, I think. At least, I was.

The most fascinating thing about Pine’s version of Kirk was that he did not imitate Shatner at all – thank darling baby Jesus, there’s a time and a place for Shatnerian mockery, and this wasn’t it – and he was still able to hold onto the most important aspect of Kirk as a character. He decimated the Kobiyashi Maru with his superior level of cunning which we got to see. Though, only those who watched the special features on the blu-ray disc got to actually see that the thwarted sex scene with the Orion girl Gaila was a part of Kirk’s plan to use Gaila to insert his subroutine into the program accidentally (which is why she looks so pissed off in the academic trial scene). He uses his charm and his intelligence to get his way, to prove that there really is no such thing as a no-win scenario.

Kirk is still the charming, cunning individual that he was forty-something years prior without being hokey (I’m looking at you, Gorn). Pine had his moments of wtf-ery with the bloated hands and swollen tongue gag, but he kept Kirk centered and definitely someone not at peace with himself. There was a definite vulnerability to Pine’s Kirk that was more exacerbated than Shatner’s. (Watch the movie again and look at Kirk during the scenes where he’s not speaking or the focus – especially when Spock and the High Council are beamed back aboard the Enterprise and Amanda is missing).

But enough of that emotional bull shit. Kirk is a space cowboy, even in the newest movie and he’s definitely guilty of inciting many a lady boner. I mean, come on. Chris Pine is definitely good looking, no one can deny that.

Wait a minute, you're not a Vulcan...

Me and my friends attempted to play a Star Trek drinking game one cold Utican night – it didn’t work very well because the rules were just all over the place. But one rule I remember is to take a drink whenever Kirk got punched in the face or he had to climb up out of/on to something. (Also any time someone said the word ‘Vulcan’.) Suffice to say, Trek XI also had a lot of Kirk’s physical side and we gave up after forty minutes or so and just drank for the sake of forgetting our failures. Kirk got hit and choked a lot in this movie, the poor guy. But he was still a badass none the less.

I’m running out of clever things to say here, and instead of objectifying Chris Pine (and sparing you the list of dirty, dirty things I would like to do to and with him) I will leave you with another random picture. Also? I lied to you all, they’re the same damned character, just acted differently. Captain Out.

Airbrushing is NOT OK. But this is still a cute picture.


Joke’s on you.

This is going to be an obscenely long post – and it should have been my first real one. My biggest lady boner always comes from the comic book character The Joker. I absolutely love this character, have loved him for many years, and don’t see anything that can tarnish his reputation in my mind. And though many girls freaked the hell out over Heath Ledger’s Joker saying that they’d love to be his Harley or that they’d love to bone him, I’d rather be him (not Heath Ledger). I’d rather be the Joker than do him.

Not saying that there’s anything wrong with lusting after fictional characters here, just that all those silly fangirls have nothing on me. That’s right, I loved Joker before The Dark Knight ever came out. (Yes, I am one of those fans.)

First off, Joker is hilarious. In the sort of “I’mma take a crowbar to your face and then strap a bomb to your mother while you watch and no, I’m not exaggerating” kind of way. And yes, that is how Jason Todd aka the second Robin aka the one with more Daddy issues than, say, Lindsay Lohan, died. Joker figured that if Batman was so into having sidekicks around that he’d replace them once they grew out of the green manties/weren’t young and nubile enough for him (OK, I love Batman, but the jokes are necessary for me to get to the point) that offing one would be the best way to get to the Bat. And it worked. Joker killed Robin, Batman flipped out. It was glorious.

(Joker beating the ever loving shit out of Robin.)

I find that his hilariousness stems from the obviously ridiculous antics that he pulls. There are some Joker writers that tend to have him err on the subliminal side as well as balancing an overtly garish and lewd sense of humor, which in turn makes him all the better. I like those writers. Like Grant Morrison. Or Grant Morrison circa 1988. When he wrote Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth he was at his prime. This comic was the inspiration for the platform game Arkham Asylum wherein Joker locks Batman in Arkham with him and the other inmates. The major difference here is that Joker gets much further into Batman’s mind in the comic whereas the other characters, such as Scarecrow, are the ones messing with Battyman in the game.

Joker ends up grabbing Batman’s ass because he knows physical contact is something that completely riles him up… OK, not in that manner. But the unwanted touch gets him to show his more barbaric and dastardly side at times. Joker is filth, scum, a part of the degenerate elite whose only goal is utter chaos and destruction and his disgusting hand grabbing at the Batman’s ass… Well. That surely will elicit quite the amazing response. This is the only thing Grant Morrison has done well, in my opinion. He’s gotten into the mind of not only Batman here, but put on Joker’s skin and figured out what would make the Dark Knight squirm like a pile of maggots on a corpse.

(Joker’s text is notoriously hard to decipher in this book, though. The important line in the middle right panel reads: Loosen up, tight ass! So. Good.)

That brings me to point deux – he’s a degenerate. He does what he wants in the name of selfish, dirty greed. There are no pretenses. He’s not a broken hearted monster out for revenge. His wife is dead, but hell if he can remember that. The moment he went insane from his chemical bath he had but one goal: to show the world how fucked up it really is and to have fun doing it. And sure, it’s mightily messed up and most sane people already know it. Joker’s point is to make other people see how deluded they are and that it’s crazy to not be crazy. He wants people to turn mad, to lose their minds, to end up killing their neighbor because they simply felt like it. And he wants to be recognized, but his mental disorders are far too big in number to list or even try to enumerate fully. He’s a narcissist who wants everyone to see the world the way he sees it, and gain some money and accolades along the way.

Reason number three that I have such a HUGE lady boner for the Joker is that he’s simply creative. Yes, every villain has their niche – Penguin has his birds, Poison Ivy has her plants, Joker has his gags, and Riddler has his, well, riddles, etc.. Joker’s gags, though, border not only on the obscenely deranged, but are varied quite far across the spectrum. From poisoning Gotham’s water supply to gaining a copyright on fish with his trademark smile and coloring and then make a huge profit off of selling said fish. JOKER FISH. The guy isn’t logical and he certainly doesn’t follow reason when he plans things. Sure, he’ll go out and rob a bank like any criminal would, but he’d do it in such convoluted way that it just wouldn’t naturally occur to a normal person to go about a plan in that manner.

Comic book author Steve Englehart (who wrote the notorious story “The Laughing Fish” which inspired the animated series episode about it,) says very poignantly, “I mean, the whole idea of copyrighting fish based on dumping chemicals into the ocean and trying to get the government to go along with it, anybody else would look at this and go, ‘That’s clearly not sane.’ But from the Joker’s standpoint, the more insane, the better.

“For me, if the Joker says, ‘I’m gonna go rob a bank,’ his mind just sort of opens up in all directions and he thinks, ‘I could rob a bank but go it one better by stealing a car and driving it underwater.’ At the end of the day, he still wants to rob the bank. He conceives of this incredibly bizarre plan, but he’s going to figure out how to make that work. He’s not interested in something that involves stealing a car and not robbing the bank. So he’s going to make what he comes up with work, but he gets there in such an explosive, non-linear, off-the-wall way that he’s basically unpredictable.” And that unpredictable nature opens him up for the most bizarre, potently crazy, and never ending amount of adventures. He is limitless. If it can be conceived, if even remotely, then the Joker will surely do it. He’s a comic book character – if the idea is there, a way will be found to make it ‘reality’, or canon.

(Joker at the patent office trying to get a legitimate backing from the US Government for his fish. A man has to make money, after all…)

Another reason why I love the Joker is that he shot Batgirl without knowing she was Batgirl. He shot Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, who just so happened to be a vigilante. He killed two birds with one stone that way, not only aggravating/depressing her father but her mentor as well. It’s a traumatic scene where he attacks a young girl, exploits her pain, without even knowing that she was a bigger thorn in her side than her father ever could hope to be. A perfect example of dramatic irony.

(I frequently feel this way. From: The Killing Joke – READ IT IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY. Best exploration of Joker’s origin.)

But the ultimate reason why I love the Joker so much is that he is the perfect foil for Batman. While it’s nice to root for the greater good of humanity seen in Batman, and all that Batman does, it’s just much more fun (and kind of easier/more telling about my own rampant cynicism) to root for the side of Joker. No matter how hard Batman tries to clean up crime and how many times he puts the Joker in Arkham–the place where he feels most at home, which is foolish–the Joker will always ruin everything that the Batman strives to achieve. All he needs is his bare hands to destroy a life when the vigilante needs all of his resources to help put one back together. Every time Batman saves someone, Joker kills another person. All it takes is one bomb to destroy a neighborhood, one poisonous gas filled teddy bear to kill a child. Batman has to work so much harder to help than Joker does to hurt. It’s bleak. It’s dark. It’s real.

Plus he’s occasionally gorgeous. There, I said it.

Coins, yo

There’s nothing quite like receiving tips for doing a rather tedious job, especially when you’re given handfuls of coins at random. Sure, I get my share of the useless Canadian coins every now and then, but every so often I get something badass. Like this coin:

(Look at that effortless coiffed hair, and that smirk! All encased in gold. You and I can only hope to be so awesome some day.)

I got a Millard Filmore dollar coin thrown in amongst my Canadian pennies and South Dakota quarters about two weeks ago. (Why do so many state quarters have buffalo bison on them?) I instantly got a raging lady boner. I mean, look at that coin! How can anyone let this precious beauty out of their grasp? I mean, I immediately went home from the Krusty Krab* and took a nap on the couch with the gleaming, wondrous thing in my tightly curled fist, or I just so happened to pass out on the couch after serving people food all day with it in my pocket. Suffice to say, the couch ate my Millard Filmore dollar coin when I was asleep and I am still mourning his loss. One day I will become proactive and actually go seek my coinage where it lays hidden in the plush blue folds of my living room furniture.

My lady boner still rages for the coin, though. This man was the last official Whig to take office and he was a member of the Know Nothing Party – way to be outrageously honest and still completely fail at winning re-election. Awesome never looked so polished.

Today I got a John Tyler dollar coin. I just threw him in with my coin cup with Adams, Adams, and Washington, my Kennedy half dollar didn’t look too amused. Tyler just isn’t as boner inducing as Filmore (gee, I wonder why?)

*I in fact, do not work at the real Krusty Krab with Spongebob, though I do a rather awesome Squidward impression most days without even trying.

On the Sly

While I am only twenty-one years old, and a lady, I find myself highly enamored with action movies. Not the crap that comes out nowadays like Fast and the Furious, Fast and the biCurious (oh wait, that’s Fast and the Furious 2), Kick Ass, Avatar, or anything of that sometimes-story driven ilk, but Rambo, Conan the Barbarian, PredatorsDie Hard, Mad Max, Goodfellas… Movies with men who were built to throw a punch or a guy through a wall. Also, Goodfellas might not seem to fit in with that list, but DiNero’s awesomeness sort of guarantees him a spot on any action movie list.

All of those movies have the same common theme – bad ass gets into a rough spot, fights his way out, the day is won, the end. Simple. It’s what everybody essentially dreams of, overcoming seemingly impossible villains/foes/obstacles in equally impossible ways. Rocky’s half brain dead when he fights Drago, but hey! Capitalism always defeats Communism, right? Right! Hoo-rah and all that other American patriotism goes here. But the point here is that the leading man is often times overly muscled, heavily accented, and more often than not is supposed to define the pinnacle of manliness all while fostering some huge chip on his shoulder.

What exactly about these action movies that gives me a lady boner is undetermined at this point. It could be the all out brawls, fists flying everywhere, or it could be the rather obvious humor that anyone could appreciate without having to dwell on the jokes for too long. They’re entertaining movies because they’re simple to understand and are a profound form of escapsism. I enjoy seeing big men punch each other every now and again, so what? I think the main reason any action movie from the past few decades (that was actually worth seeing more than once) gives me a Lady Boner has to do with the starring male. A lot of the movies I like to watch, or even just play in the background while doing other meaningless tasks, star one Sylvester Stallone.

(From Rocky Balboa – Stallone at age sixty. This BAMF has abs of fucking steel at age sixty. There surely is a God, and a God of steroids.)

Sly. The Italian Stallion. Mister Rambo himself. What’s not to like about this man, really? His rather unfortunate facial paralysis didn’t stop him from becoming a house hold name and that I applaud him for relentlessly. Not everyone in Hollywood has to be perfect, though he certainly strives to keep his aging body from looking anywhere near normal for his age. He played the typical underdog role in Rocky. In many of the Rocky movies, actually, but he showed versatility in his other beat em up, kill em dead movies. Rambo wasn’t an underdog, he was a man scorned. John Spartan was a cop scorned, big difference there, really. In any case, whatever movie Sly is in, he’s a god damned bad ass fighting machine.

It’s hard to watch one of his movies and not root for him, unless you’re a souless crone who has nothing better to do than to watch action movies and vie for the assholes who attempt to put the (mostly) common-but-best-at-his-job hard working man in his ‘place’. Stallone is a shorter man, but well built enough. Hell, he’s actually quite like a brick fucking wall. His face is handsome, at least to me, even at his nice old age at 64 he still gives me a lady boner. What brought this to my attention, that I do indeed love Sly Stallone was when I was watching his newest flick The Expendables. Sure, he runs a bit funny in the movie, but all python armed, barrel chested, iron thighed men would hurtle himself through space instead of gracefully dart through the air like Hermes.

The movie itself is worth a lady boner post of its own (which I will do later once I stop drooling over Sly,) but Barney Ross just caught my attention and kept it the entire movie. His ham fisted punches and sometimes stilted lines were captivating like a train wreck. I shouldn’t have found it as entertaining as I should have, but it was epic. His chest was as hypnotizing as hypnotoad himself. Yeah, I was that sucked into the more primal parts of my brain while watching The Expendables, but that’s what a good action movie is supposed to do. I saw ‘strong man saves the day with lots of explosions’ and was literally reverted into a cavewoman who would lust over a man who could beat up the big bad saber toothed cat.

Stallone’s ability to make me like his character, even as underdeveloped as he was, gave me a more subliminal lady boner. A lady boner squared, if you will. He did the ‘right’ thing while risking his own life. A plus for misguided, almost masochistic altruism. A double plus for bleeding like a sexy motherfucker while being altrusitic. Action movies will always entertain me and will always fascinate me – I don’t see why more women don’t like them.

Here’s to you, Sly, you slick, handsome SOB who gives me inappropriate wood.

Hello, party people.

OK, so this is my introductory blathering which will not only be informative, but highly boring. Deal with it. You can scroll past this if you so choose. Getting the most trite and useless information out of the way first I give you my name, Kateri Woody, and gender, female. I like to be hyperbolic, and I am a self-classified nerd.

And a quick side note: Dear Dad, don’t read this blog.

This blog has a purpose, as most do but rarely openly state, to show to the world what I find to be worthy of a lady boner. Now, it might seem crude to some and odd to others to say that one has a lady boner. I find it humorous, and quite less vulgar than I could actually be. But this term actually raises more questions than “Why would anyone want to discuss boners if they are incapable of physically having one?” (Hurr, ‘raises‘)

What the hell is a lady boner? Well, to me, it is a term most often used by women who are rather geeky/nerdy/dorky in nature and who have a strong love of something and or someone that it induces a rather strong reaction. Be that physical, mental, or emotional. Something that is worth drooling over, obsessing over, rambling about, or just plain fucking awesome can cause a lady boner. For example: a new issue of Batman and Robin always causes me to pop a lady boner, even if Morrison frequently makes me want to jab a sharp pencil up my nose in hopes of poking my frontal lobe.

Why I cry myself to sleep at night

I will be discussing movies, television shows, comic books, literature, music, everyday life, and pretty much anything under our yellow sun that gives me a lady boner. If you find this to be at the very least amusing, stay tuned.