Tag Archives: inappropriate boners

You’d Think It’s Not Unusual, But It Is.

OK, so Lady Boners are a silly thing, right?

No. In fact, they are quite serious. LBs are induced at the sight of something glorious, the thought of something wanton or beautiful, the smell of hommus, or even the feeling of the cold, soft pillowcase cradling your overly warm cheek after a particularly shitty day in class. That is not silly or trite or fucking stupid.

Maybe I’m just being a bit hyperbolic, as I am usually inclined to be… BUT my love for Tom Jones (yes, that Tom Jones. That old, hairy Welsh singer) is really fucking serious in spite of beingĀ  insane. There’s just something about his voice that makes me not only want to dance and sing along, but also makes me want to shit rainbows and vomit glitter. His music just makes me that happy.

The problem here is that I’m 22, not 62. I wasn’t around when he was actually a sex symbol. It’s unusual for women my age to even know more than one Tom Jones song, let alone all of the words to the ones that they can name. Go ahead and ask your friends to name a Jones song that isn’t “It’s Not Unusual” or the fucking Carlton Banks song (needless to say, Carlton was always my favorite Fresh Prince character because of his love of the Jones (and the guardian angel episode is just a slice of epicness)). If they can name one, ask them to sing it.

It will be fruitless. If we were in, say, 1968 or even in the 1980s, you’d be swamped with answers. This handsome fella had a hit show in Vegas and even was bffs with Elvis. This man was, and still is a legend, but you only look like this once:

I'd tell him what's new, pussycat

Or this:

Tom Jones circa a long fucking time ago

Those eyes, that fro, oh how I could wax poetic about how utterly beautiful… handsome this man was in his prime. He’s got that look that men my age just don’t have – well, the fact that he looks like a man and not an awkward manboy amalgamation might have something to do with that – and he had a voice to back up that pretty face.

Fortunately, time has been good to his singing voice and his career. It’s actually rather astounding how his career has subsisted almost unerringly since the 1960s – he’s had three four major albums come out since the turn of the century, including his latest “Praise and Blame”. He’s actually touring currently, and I’m actually pretty damned angry that I live in CT at the moment and don’t have a chance to see him perform any time soon.

Though time has been good to his vocal chords and music, it has not been good to his aesthetics. The man is old, and granted I’m not really hot for men who are old enough to be my grandfather, but not entirely unattractive. He’s just not the sort of ‘star’ that people in my age group tend to find sexy.

 

Like Schwarzenegger, Jones should not wear speedos.

Time’s been good to his chest hair, too, it seems. But honestly, no men should be wearing speedos, even more so when your sexual prime was half a century ago. You won’t be seeing this blogger’s fat ass in a bikini out of respect for your corneas.

It’s not unusual to be in love with older men, but it is unusual to be in love with the man they used to be. I think. At any rate, Tom Jones inspires raging lady boners in my pants whenever I catch a glance at his older pictures or hear the score for Thunderball, and especially when I hear “Delilah” “I, Who Have Nothing” or “Sex Bomb.” Any time I hear his voice I get a little light headed, but that’s quite fine with me.

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Squidward’s Folly

This is where the blog reaches toward the abstract and maybe even the perverse for a few minutes. I must admit that I do have an intense liking for animation and illustration in general, and that I also still watch cartoons/anime/what have you. There are adult cartoons like Family Guy, American Dad!, Drawn Together, and of course the ever expansive world of hentai (anime porn for those readers who still have their innocence/haven’t spent enough time on the internet to ever come across the term before.)

But of course there are still children’s cartoons – educational and otherwise. I get a rather inappropriate lady boner for Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants.

According to the ever super-reliable and most awesome fucking resource around, Wikipedia, Squidward is the title character’s “effete cephalopod neighbor” which really makes no fucking sense at all. Given various definitions of the rather haughty word “effete” – seriously, who uses that sort of word to describe a cartoon squid creature – Squidward is one of the following: sterile, lacking energy, or a degenerate. Uh, sure, wikipedia.

At any rate, I find him to be quite like myself in many ways. Awesome, talented*, intolerant of stupidity, and stuck behindĀ  a cash register for a rather shady fast food restaurant pandering to overly demanding customers. Yeah, I went there. I’m an English major who works in fast food, so what? I’m getting out in two days, unlike my poor cephalopod friend. Put that in your clarinet and smoke it, Squiddy.

While Spongebob Squarepants in general is bright, obnoxious and completely useless to everyday life, it is entertaining. I find mindless entertainment to be a great reprieve from over analyzing the world and taking myself too seriously. There are certainly jokes in the older cartoons that I didn’t understand when they first aired eleven years ago. Holy shit, do I feel old. I was watching an episode today, the name of which escapes me now, wherein Mrs. Puff gives Spongebob his license even though he failed the driving test again just so he wouldn’t come back to driving school. I wish life worked that way. But, as he was leaving the boating school he calls out. “See you next Tuesday!” And I laughed uproariously. Why the hell would that be in a children’s cartoon? Anybody who is as demented as I am knows that “See you next Tuesday” is akin to “If You Seek Amy,” also known as completely inappropriate. I’ll give you a moment to work this out.

It might have been unintentional, or hell if the writers did this on purpose, it’s genius because no kid would understand it. “See you next Tuesday” = C U N T. It’s a rather subversive way to call someone a cunt without being overtly crude. “That Mrs. Puff is surely a see-you-next-tuesday for failing Spongebob all the time.” Children don’t know the word “cunt” which makes this all the funnier to me when watching the show as an adult.

All digressions aside, Squidward has always been my favorite character since day one – he is an artist (*talented with various media, though not so proficient on the clarinet, but hey! neither am I), what’s not to like? Sure, he’s as arrogant as Narcissus was vain, but there is some underlying justification for his rampant ego. Whenever his artwork is shown onscreen, it’s pretty decently done for an illustration of a painting of an animated character. There was even a fish-realtor that commented on how decent Squidward’s art was. Where praise is gained, praise should be given. He hates the annoying duo of Spongebob and Patrick, though, who wouldn’t if they actually knew people that acted in some sort of similar manner.

And I love him because he’s cynical, sarcastic, opportunistic, and driven toward becoming famous. Hell, if I had another set of legs and a schnozz the size of Ray Romano, I’d throw myself in the ocean and walk around pantsless too.

And most of all, the real reason why Squidward gives me a lady boner? He never ceases to make me laugh. The poor fellow is always getting hurt, his dreams are constantly ruined, and his rather vicious sarcasm is always misinterpreted. A plus to the writers, and to Rodger Bumpass for giving him a rather distinctive voice (and for having an awesome name.)

Here’s to you, you cartoon cephalopod, you remind me of myself and that means by the transitive property I give myself a lady boner. Except you’re cooler, Squidward.

Plus, he was hot for all of nine minutes. By-oingggg.