Tag Archives: Dad – don’t read this

You’d Think It’s Not Unusual, But It Is.

OK, so Lady Boners are a silly thing, right?

No. In fact, they are quite serious. LBs are induced at the sight of something glorious, the thought of something wanton or beautiful, the smell of hommus, or even the feeling of the cold, soft pillowcase cradling your overly warm cheek after a particularly shitty day in class. That is not silly or trite or fucking stupid.

Maybe I’m just being a bit hyperbolic, as I am usually inclined to be… BUT my love for Tom Jones (yes, that Tom Jones. That old, hairy Welsh singer) is really fucking serious in spite of being  insane. There’s just something about his voice that makes me not only want to dance and sing along, but also makes me want to shit rainbows and vomit glitter. His music just makes me that happy.

The problem here is that I’m 22, not 62. I wasn’t around when he was actually a sex symbol. It’s unusual for women my age to even know more than one Tom Jones song, let alone all of the words to the ones that they can name. Go ahead and ask your friends to name a Jones song that isn’t “It’s Not Unusual” or the fucking Carlton Banks song (needless to say, Carlton was always my favorite Fresh Prince character because of his love of the Jones (and the guardian angel episode is just a slice of epicness)). If they can name one, ask them to sing it.

It will be fruitless. If we were in, say, 1968 or even in the 1980s, you’d be swamped with answers. This handsome fella had a hit show in Vegas and even was bffs with Elvis. This man was, and still is a legend, but you only look like this once:

I'd tell him what's new, pussycat

Or this:

Tom Jones circa a long fucking time ago

Those eyes, that fro, oh how I could wax poetic about how utterly beautiful… handsome this man was in his prime. He’s got that look that men my age just don’t have – well, the fact that he looks like a man and not an awkward manboy amalgamation might have something to do with that – and he had a voice to back up that pretty face.

Fortunately, time has been good to his singing voice and his career. It’s actually rather astounding how his career has subsisted almost unerringly since the 1960s – he’s had three four major albums come out since the turn of the century, including his latest “Praise and Blame”. He’s actually touring currently, and I’m actually pretty damned angry that I live in CT at the moment and don’t have a chance to see him perform any time soon.

Though time has been good to his vocal chords and music, it has not been good to his aesthetics. The man is old, and granted I’m not really hot for men who are old enough to be my grandfather, but not entirely unattractive. He’s just not the sort of ‘star’ that people in my age group tend to find sexy.

 

Like Schwarzenegger, Jones should not wear speedos.

Time’s been good to his chest hair, too, it seems. But honestly, no men should be wearing speedos, even more so when your sexual prime was half a century ago. You won’t be seeing this blogger’s fat ass in a bikini out of respect for your corneas.

It’s not unusual to be in love with older men, but it is unusual to be in love with the man they used to be. I think. At any rate, Tom Jones inspires raging lady boners in my pants whenever I catch a glance at his older pictures or hear the score for Thunderball, and especially when I hear “Delilah” “I, Who Have Nothing” or “Sex Bomb.” Any time I hear his voice I get a little light headed, but that’s quite fine with me.

To Go Boldly…

Well, after the long hiatus (Graduate School tends to do that to people’s blogs, I guess (and by ‘that’ I mean hold them up and leave them stabbed and destitute in an alley way to die)) it is pertinent that I post about something pretty damn epic. And someone that is pretty damn lady bonerific.


Who else but Captain Kirk can hold the title of both an Epic human being and extraordinary wooer? He can make a woman (humanoid, biped, triped, alien or otherwise) swoon with the greatest LB ever recorded. Well, that’s not entirely true. He has the unfortunate reputation for being the universe’s biggest man-slut even though his tryst count was in the single digits per season. People just saw him hitting on green women and the shit hit the fan. Just because Kirk has a lot of charm and natural charisma does not mean that he’s loose or easy. Whenever Shatner-Kirk was presented with a choice between some sweet lovin’ or The Enterprise, he ALWAYS chose the Enterprise. The most loyal SOB to ever be a space cowboy.

Also? Shut up, Picard fans. Shut. Up. Patrick Stewart might be awesome, but he has nothing on Kirk. I’m going to outright say that I absolutely adore, love, fangirl, pop lady boners for Captain Kirk – both the William Shatner  and Chris Pine version. Better known as the Shat and C Fine. Both have their individual characteristics which beg for me to explore them as independent entities.

So, I will. We’ll start with the first Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Look at how awesome I am!

Hey, how are you doing? Mhmm, that's good. I listen to people's problems because I ~care~.

William Shatner in his day was a very handsome man (hell, I’d still do him, but that’s beside the point here) with a very Brando-esque look about him. When he was cast as Captain Kirk, he no idea that he would be a science fiction icon for the indeterminable future. Sure, he thought that he would be the most successful actor on the show, and the fan favorite because his ego was is enormous. That’s not entirely true and he admitted in one of his autobiographies (yes, he has more than one) that he was more than embittered by Leonard Nimoy’s Spock being the most popular character back in the day. At least the man admits his own faults, sometimes.

But what made/makes Shatner’s Captain Kirk so damn fun and awesome was his hands on approach to his Captaincy. He was a fighter, a brawler of sorts, and he wasn’t afraid to do what he had to to get the job done. And did he ever get jobs done. (Did Picard ever hold his own in a physical fight? NO.) Not only is he physically adept, he’s mentally well equipped too. Kirk’s been touted as the only person to ever defeat the Kobiyashi Maru test – by means of thinking out of the box, AKA cheating, but it showed his clout and his cunning as no one else had dared to reprogram the test to defeat it. (More to come on the Maru during C Fine discussion).

So, Shatnerian Kirk was both physically and mentally awesome, as well as a damn good friend. Ask Spock, the man was and always will be his friend, and it takes a lot to befriend a Vulcan. And Doctor McCoy. Simultaneously – whoa, sorry, my fantasies must have taken over for a minute there.

Trio of Awesome

Look at these BAMFs - who wouldn't want to be their friend?

ANYWAY.

Kirk has been described as “a hard-driving leader who pushes himself and his crew beyond human limits” in Robert Jewett and John Shelton Lawrence’s The Myth of the American Superhero. (Yes, I wiki’d this shit, so what?) Kirk’s tendency to ignore regulations and go beyond the call of duty to do the right thing, even to the point of demotion, is just phenomenal. And awesome.

Speaking of awesome… Chris Pine’s reboot Kirk is also pretty damn spectacular.


Behold, Captain Fine Kirk, the alternate time line Kirk who has similar qualities to the original, but a bit less… dare I say cheese to him? Nah, he’s plenty cheesy “Hello, ladies” tends to earn him cheese points. BUT. He’s just as intelligent and cunning as his original counter part, and is even shown to be quite the smart little thing – Iowa’s only repeat offender with a genius level IQ. The movie is a more intimate over view of Kirk, as we not only see him being born, but as a reckless child, a bar room brawler, a reckless Cadet, and eventually Captain. We get his beginning in Star Trek XI (the first odd numbered Trek movie that didn’t suck and wasn’t Nemesis), and are left waiting for and wanting more. Because of that, the audience is more emotionally invested in Kirk, I think. At least, I was.

The most fascinating thing about Pine’s version of Kirk was that he did not imitate Shatner at all – thank darling baby Jesus, there’s a time and a place for Shatnerian mockery, and this wasn’t it – and he was still able to hold onto the most important aspect of Kirk as a character. He decimated the Kobiyashi Maru with his superior level of cunning which we got to see. Though, only those who watched the special features on the blu-ray disc got to actually see that the thwarted sex scene with the Orion girl Gaila was a part of Kirk’s plan to use Gaila to insert his subroutine into the program accidentally (which is why she looks so pissed off in the academic trial scene). He uses his charm and his intelligence to get his way, to prove that there really is no such thing as a no-win scenario.

Kirk is still the charming, cunning individual that he was forty-something years prior without being hokey (I’m looking at you, Gorn). Pine had his moments of wtf-ery with the bloated hands and swollen tongue gag, but he kept Kirk centered and definitely someone not at peace with himself. There was a definite vulnerability to Pine’s Kirk that was more exacerbated than Shatner’s. (Watch the movie again and look at Kirk during the scenes where he’s not speaking or the focus – especially when Spock and the High Council are beamed back aboard the Enterprise and Amanda is missing).

But enough of that emotional bull shit. Kirk is a space cowboy, even in the newest movie and he’s definitely guilty of inciting many a lady boner. I mean, come on. Chris Pine is definitely good looking, no one can deny that.

Wait a minute, you're not a Vulcan...

Me and my friends attempted to play a Star Trek drinking game one cold Utican night – it didn’t work very well because the rules were just all over the place. But one rule I remember is to take a drink whenever Kirk got punched in the face or he had to climb up out of/on to something. (Also any time someone said the word ‘Vulcan’.) Suffice to say, Trek XI also had a lot of Kirk’s physical side and we gave up after forty minutes or so and just drank for the sake of forgetting our failures. Kirk got hit and choked a lot in this movie, the poor guy. But he was still a badass none the less.

I’m running out of clever things to say here, and instead of objectifying Chris Pine (and sparing you the list of dirty, dirty things I would like to do to and with him) I will leave you with another random picture. Also? I lied to you all, they’re the same damned character, just acted differently. Captain Out.

Airbrushing is NOT OK. But this is still a cute picture.

Squidward’s Folly

This is where the blog reaches toward the abstract and maybe even the perverse for a few minutes. I must admit that I do have an intense liking for animation and illustration in general, and that I also still watch cartoons/anime/what have you. There are adult cartoons like Family Guy, American Dad!, Drawn Together, and of course the ever expansive world of hentai (anime porn for those readers who still have their innocence/haven’t spent enough time on the internet to ever come across the term before.)

But of course there are still children’s cartoons – educational and otherwise. I get a rather inappropriate lady boner for Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants.

According to the ever super-reliable and most awesome fucking resource around, Wikipedia, Squidward is the title character’s “effete cephalopod neighbor” which really makes no fucking sense at all. Given various definitions of the rather haughty word “effete” – seriously, who uses that sort of word to describe a cartoon squid creature – Squidward is one of the following: sterile, lacking energy, or a degenerate. Uh, sure, wikipedia.

At any rate, I find him to be quite like myself in many ways. Awesome, talented*, intolerant of stupidity, and stuck behind  a cash register for a rather shady fast food restaurant pandering to overly demanding customers. Yeah, I went there. I’m an English major who works in fast food, so what? I’m getting out in two days, unlike my poor cephalopod friend. Put that in your clarinet and smoke it, Squiddy.

While Spongebob Squarepants in general is bright, obnoxious and completely useless to everyday life, it is entertaining. I find mindless entertainment to be a great reprieve from over analyzing the world and taking myself too seriously. There are certainly jokes in the older cartoons that I didn’t understand when they first aired eleven years ago. Holy shit, do I feel old. I was watching an episode today, the name of which escapes me now, wherein Mrs. Puff gives Spongebob his license even though he failed the driving test again just so he wouldn’t come back to driving school. I wish life worked that way. But, as he was leaving the boating school he calls out. “See you next Tuesday!” And I laughed uproariously. Why the hell would that be in a children’s cartoon? Anybody who is as demented as I am knows that “See you next Tuesday” is akin to “If You Seek Amy,” also known as completely inappropriate. I’ll give you a moment to work this out.

It might have been unintentional, or hell if the writers did this on purpose, it’s genius because no kid would understand it. “See you next Tuesday” = C U N T. It’s a rather subversive way to call someone a cunt without being overtly crude. “That Mrs. Puff is surely a see-you-next-tuesday for failing Spongebob all the time.” Children don’t know the word “cunt” which makes this all the funnier to me when watching the show as an adult.

All digressions aside, Squidward has always been my favorite character since day one – he is an artist (*talented with various media, though not so proficient on the clarinet, but hey! neither am I), what’s not to like? Sure, he’s as arrogant as Narcissus was vain, but there is some underlying justification for his rampant ego. Whenever his artwork is shown onscreen, it’s pretty decently done for an illustration of a painting of an animated character. There was even a fish-realtor that commented on how decent Squidward’s art was. Where praise is gained, praise should be given. He hates the annoying duo of Spongebob and Patrick, though, who wouldn’t if they actually knew people that acted in some sort of similar manner.

And I love him because he’s cynical, sarcastic, opportunistic, and driven toward becoming famous. Hell, if I had another set of legs and a schnozz the size of Ray Romano, I’d throw myself in the ocean and walk around pantsless too.

And most of all, the real reason why Squidward gives me a lady boner? He never ceases to make me laugh. The poor fellow is always getting hurt, his dreams are constantly ruined, and his rather vicious sarcasm is always misinterpreted. A plus to the writers, and to Rodger Bumpass for giving him a rather distinctive voice (and for having an awesome name.)

Here’s to you, you cartoon cephalopod, you remind me of myself and that means by the transitive property I give myself a lady boner. Except you’re cooler, Squidward.

Plus, he was hot for all of nine minutes. By-oingggg.

On the Sly

While I am only twenty-one years old, and a lady, I find myself highly enamored with action movies. Not the crap that comes out nowadays like Fast and the Furious, Fast and the biCurious (oh wait, that’s Fast and the Furious 2), Kick Ass, Avatar, or anything of that sometimes-story driven ilk, but Rambo, Conan the Barbarian, PredatorsDie Hard, Mad Max, Goodfellas… Movies with men who were built to throw a punch or a guy through a wall. Also, Goodfellas might not seem to fit in with that list, but DiNero’s awesomeness sort of guarantees him a spot on any action movie list.

All of those movies have the same common theme – bad ass gets into a rough spot, fights his way out, the day is won, the end. Simple. It’s what everybody essentially dreams of, overcoming seemingly impossible villains/foes/obstacles in equally impossible ways. Rocky’s half brain dead when he fights Drago, but hey! Capitalism always defeats Communism, right? Right! Hoo-rah and all that other American patriotism goes here. But the point here is that the leading man is often times overly muscled, heavily accented, and more often than not is supposed to define the pinnacle of manliness all while fostering some huge chip on his shoulder.

What exactly about these action movies that gives me a lady boner is undetermined at this point. It could be the all out brawls, fists flying everywhere, or it could be the rather obvious humor that anyone could appreciate without having to dwell on the jokes for too long. They’re entertaining movies because they’re simple to understand and are a profound form of escapsism. I enjoy seeing big men punch each other every now and again, so what? I think the main reason any action movie from the past few decades (that was actually worth seeing more than once) gives me a Lady Boner has to do with the starring male. A lot of the movies I like to watch, or even just play in the background while doing other meaningless tasks, star one Sylvester Stallone.

(From Rocky Balboa – Stallone at age sixty. This BAMF has abs of fucking steel at age sixty. There surely is a God, and a God of steroids.)

Sly. The Italian Stallion. Mister Rambo himself. What’s not to like about this man, really? His rather unfortunate facial paralysis didn’t stop him from becoming a house hold name and that I applaud him for relentlessly. Not everyone in Hollywood has to be perfect, though he certainly strives to keep his aging body from looking anywhere near normal for his age. He played the typical underdog role in Rocky. In many of the Rocky movies, actually, but he showed versatility in his other beat em up, kill em dead movies. Rambo wasn’t an underdog, he was a man scorned. John Spartan was a cop scorned, big difference there, really. In any case, whatever movie Sly is in, he’s a god damned bad ass fighting machine.

It’s hard to watch one of his movies and not root for him, unless you’re a souless crone who has nothing better to do than to watch action movies and vie for the assholes who attempt to put the (mostly) common-but-best-at-his-job hard working man in his ‘place’. Stallone is a shorter man, but well built enough. Hell, he’s actually quite like a brick fucking wall. His face is handsome, at least to me, even at his nice old age at 64 he still gives me a lady boner. What brought this to my attention, that I do indeed love Sly Stallone was when I was watching his newest flick The Expendables. Sure, he runs a bit funny in the movie, but all python armed, barrel chested, iron thighed men would hurtle himself through space instead of gracefully dart through the air like Hermes.

The movie itself is worth a lady boner post of its own (which I will do later once I stop drooling over Sly,) but Barney Ross just caught my attention and kept it the entire movie. His ham fisted punches and sometimes stilted lines were captivating like a train wreck. I shouldn’t have found it as entertaining as I should have, but it was epic. His chest was as hypnotizing as hypnotoad himself. Yeah, I was that sucked into the more primal parts of my brain while watching The Expendables, but that’s what a good action movie is supposed to do. I saw ‘strong man saves the day with lots of explosions’ and was literally reverted into a cavewoman who would lust over a man who could beat up the big bad saber toothed cat.

Stallone’s ability to make me like his character, even as underdeveloped as he was, gave me a more subliminal lady boner. A lady boner squared, if you will. He did the ‘right’ thing while risking his own life. A plus for misguided, almost masochistic altruism. A double plus for bleeding like a sexy motherfucker while being altrusitic. Action movies will always entertain me and will always fascinate me – I don’t see why more women don’t like them.

Here’s to you, Sly, you slick, handsome SOB who gives me inappropriate wood.

Hello, party people.

OK, so this is my introductory blathering which will not only be informative, but highly boring. Deal with it. You can scroll past this if you so choose. Getting the most trite and useless information out of the way first I give you my name, Kateri Woody, and gender, female. I like to be hyperbolic, and I am a self-classified nerd.

And a quick side note: Dear Dad, don’t read this blog.

This blog has a purpose, as most do but rarely openly state, to show to the world what I find to be worthy of a lady boner. Now, it might seem crude to some and odd to others to say that one has a lady boner. I find it humorous, and quite less vulgar than I could actually be. But this term actually raises more questions than “Why would anyone want to discuss boners if they are incapable of physically having one?” (Hurr, ‘raises‘)

What the hell is a lady boner? Well, to me, it is a term most often used by women who are rather geeky/nerdy/dorky in nature and who have a strong love of something and or someone that it induces a rather strong reaction. Be that physical, mental, or emotional. Something that is worth drooling over, obsessing over, rambling about, or just plain fucking awesome can cause a lady boner. For example: a new issue of Batman and Robin always causes me to pop a lady boner, even if Morrison frequently makes me want to jab a sharp pencil up my nose in hopes of poking my frontal lobe.

Why I cry myself to sleep at night

I will be discussing movies, television shows, comic books, literature, music, everyday life, and pretty much anything under our yellow sun that gives me a lady boner. If you find this to be at the very least amusing, stay tuned.