While I am only twenty-one years old, and a lady, I find myself highly enamored with action movies. Not the crap that comes out nowadays like Fast and the Furious, Fast and the biCurious (oh wait, that’s Fast and the Furious 2), Kick Ass, Avatar, or anything of that sometimes-story driven ilk, but Rambo, Conan the Barbarian, Predators, Die Hard, Mad Max, Goodfellas… Movies with men who were built to throw a punch or a guy through a wall. Also, Goodfellas might not seem to fit in with that list, but DiNero’s awesomeness sort of guarantees him a spot on any action movie list.
All of those movies have the same common theme – bad ass gets into a rough spot, fights his way out, the day is won, the end. Simple. It’s what everybody essentially dreams of, overcoming seemingly impossible villains/foes/obstacles in equally impossible ways. Rocky’s half brain dead when he fights Drago, but hey! Capitalism always defeats Communism, right? Right! Hoo-rah and all that other American patriotism goes here. But the point here is that the leading man is often times overly muscled, heavily accented, and more often than not is supposed to define the pinnacle of manliness all while fostering some huge chip on his shoulder.
What exactly about these action movies that gives me a lady boner is undetermined at this point. It could be the all out brawls, fists flying everywhere, or it could be the rather obvious humor that anyone could appreciate without having to dwell on the jokes for too long. They’re entertaining movies because they’re simple to understand and are a profound form of escapsism. I enjoy seeing big men punch each other every now and again, so what? I think the main reason any action movie from the past few decades (that was actually worth seeing more than once) gives me a Lady Boner has to do with the starring male. A lot of the movies I like to watch, or even just play in the background while doing other meaningless tasks, star one Sylvester Stallone.
Sly. The Italian Stallion. Mister Rambo himself. What’s not to like about this man, really? His rather unfortunate facial paralysis didn’t stop him from becoming a house hold name and that I applaud him for relentlessly. Not everyone in Hollywood has to be perfect, though he certainly strives to keep his aging body from looking anywhere near normal for his age. He played the typical underdog role in Rocky. In many of the Rocky movies, actually, but he showed versatility in his other beat em up, kill em dead movies. Rambo wasn’t an underdog, he was a man scorned. John Spartan was a cop scorned, big difference there, really. In any case, whatever movie Sly is in, he’s a god damned bad ass fighting machine.
It’s hard to watch one of his movies and not root for him, unless you’re a souless crone who has nothing better to do than to watch action movies and vie for the assholes who attempt to put the (mostly) common-but-best-at-his-job hard working man in his ‘place’. Stallone is a shorter man, but well built enough. Hell, he’s actually quite like a brick fucking wall. His face is handsome, at least to me, even at his nice old age at 64 he still gives me a lady boner. What brought this to my attention, that I do indeed love Sly Stallone was when I was watching his newest flick The Expendables. Sure, he runs a bit funny in the movie, but all python armed, barrel chested, iron thighed men would hurtle himself through space instead of gracefully dart through the air like Hermes.
The movie itself is worth a lady boner post of its own (which I will do later once I stop drooling over Sly,) but Barney Ross just caught my attention and kept it the entire movie. His ham fisted punches and sometimes stilted lines were captivating like a train wreck. I shouldn’t have found it as entertaining as I should have, but it was epic. His chest was as hypnotizing as hypnotoad himself. Yeah, I was that sucked into the more primal parts of my brain while watching The Expendables, but that’s what a good action movie is supposed to do. I saw ‘strong man saves the day with lots of explosions’ and was literally reverted into a cavewoman who would lust over a man who could beat up the big bad saber toothed cat.
Stallone’s ability to make me like his character, even as underdeveloped as he was, gave me a more subliminal lady boner. A lady boner squared, if you will. He did the ‘right’ thing while risking his own life. A plus for misguided, almost masochistic altruism. A double plus for bleeding like a sexy motherfucker while being altrusitic. Action movies will always entertain me and will always fascinate me – I don’t see why more women don’t like them.