OK, so Lady Boners are a silly thing, right?
No. In fact, they are quite serious. LBs are induced at the sight of something glorious, the thought of something wanton or beautiful, the smell of hommus, or even the feeling of the cold, soft pillowcase cradling your overly warm cheek after a particularly shitty day in class. That is not silly or trite or fucking stupid.
Maybe I’m just being a bit hyperbolic, as I am usually inclined to be… BUT my love for Tom Jones (yes, that Tom Jones. That old, hairy Welsh singer) is really fucking serious in spite of being insane. There’s just something about his voice that makes me not only want to dance and sing along, but also makes me want to shit rainbows and vomit glitter. His music just makes me that happy.
The problem here is that I’m 22, not 62. I wasn’t around when he was actually a sex symbol. It’s unusual for women my age to even know more than one Tom Jones song, let alone all of the words to the ones that they can name. Go ahead and ask your friends to name a Jones song that isn’t “It’s Not Unusual” or the fucking Carlton Banks song (needless to say, Carlton was always my favorite Fresh Prince character because of his love of the Jones (and the guardian angel episode is just a slice of epicness)). If they can name one, ask them to sing it.
It will be fruitless. If we were in, say, 1968 or even in the 1980s, you’d be swamped with answers. This handsome fella had a hit show in Vegas and even was bffs with Elvis. This man was, and still is a legend, but you only look like this once:
I'd tell him what's new, pussycat
Or this:
Tom Jones circa a long fucking time ago
Those eyes, that fro, oh how I could wax poetic about how utterly beautiful… handsome this man was in his prime. He’s got that look that men my age just don’t have – well, the fact that he looks like a man and not an awkward manboy amalgamation might have something to do with that – and he had a voice to back up that pretty face.
Fortunately, time has been good to his singing voice and his career. It’s actually rather astounding how his career has subsisted almost unerringly since the 1960s – he’s had three four major albums come out since the turn of the century, including his latest “Praise and Blame”. He’s actually touring currently, and I’m actually pretty damned angry that I live in CT at the moment and don’t have a chance to see him perform any time soon.
Though time has been good to his vocal chords and music, it has not been good to his aesthetics. The man is old, and granted I’m not really hot for men who are old enough to be my grandfather, but not entirely unattractive. He’s just not the sort of ‘star’ that people in my age group tend to find sexy.
Like Schwarzenegger, Jones should not wear speedos.
Time’s been good to his chest hair, too, it seems. But honestly, no men should be wearing speedos, even more so when your sexual prime was half a century ago. You won’t be seeing this blogger’s fat ass in a bikini out of respect for your corneas.
It’s not unusual to be in love with older men, but it is unusual to be in love with the man they used to be. I think. At any rate, Tom Jones inspires raging lady boners in my pants whenever I catch a glance at his older pictures or hear the score for Thunderball, and especially when I hear “Delilah” “I, Who Have Nothing” or “Sex Bomb.” Any time I hear his voice I get a little light headed, but that’s quite fine with me.
Lady Boner 